Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
