So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
