i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
