I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
