tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
