Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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