yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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