i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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