I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Randomize
