im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
