can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
