Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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