i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
