Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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