it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
