I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
