Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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