As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
