I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
