come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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