its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
