I want to have your abortion
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
