my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
