I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
