my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
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