Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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