Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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