On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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