I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
