Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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