why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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