Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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