I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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