My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
