I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
