No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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