Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the condom got lost in my hair
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
