Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
