I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
