put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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