took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Randomize
