i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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