there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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