so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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