there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
