I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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