she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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