Apparently you make a good broom.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
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