just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
