haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
