If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
