why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
