today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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