Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
