I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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