Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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