am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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