My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
